It’s really late but I felt to blog about what happen lately.
I havn’t been writing here for awhile now, been busy/lazy lately depends on how you see it.
And this is going to be a negative blogpost, so if your not up for it, please just leave instead
of dropping a comment or two about me not being positive. Ofc I am but I high light the bad
things in this post, and if you are here as a regular viewer/reader you know I also do the positive
ones aswell if something cool/fun happens.
We got ourself a AC in our living room so we can outlast this heat in Sweden, also we had a
super big (still going on) fire here, not close to where we live but its massive. People have been
evacuated from their homes and we got help from other countries like spain and some other ones.
But let’s stick with some more local news about me and what I think about lately.
I try everyday to not worry about things but its super hard.
And it’s all about my backpain and how everything is going to workout in the end.
As far as I know, they talked about early retirement but also I might be able to work a few hours
per week and still have something to do. It all depend on what kind of job I could get that I would
be fine with. I know I can’t just pick and choose what kind of work I want, but thats kinda the thing.
If I get a work that might be somewhat “okey” for my back and my pain isn’t growing to quick,
how will I function as a person? Will i get depressed enough that it will only hurt me and I wont
enjoy life at all becuase I’m forced to work when it doesn’t really work at all for me. And this is where
the worries come in. What will happen if I’m getting really depressed because I can’t work as hard as
everyone ells does with their jobs and their household. I can’t do what everyone ells can…
I think some people have accepted my fate abit more and see that this isn’t a thing that going
to change over some months. This is here to stay and they are abit more open minded now
than they wore before (mostly thinking about some people from a old workplace I was at).
Your question might be “Do you want to work or not?” and my answer is of course i want to.
Will I still do my best to try find a suitable workplace for me with the right tasks? Ofc I will !
But if I can’t handle it, I gotta find something to do more than check Youtube clips, walk the
dog, spend time with my girlfriend and try help her with the daily things you gotta do at home.
I need a new hobby and it would be good if I try figure something out now instead of later
if that time will come. Because there is so much to think over what would be nice to try
out and what will work, still just to travel somewhere is hard enough for me.
This is a list of things I already know make me so exhausted and my pain will increase
if I do these things. I will try get them in order so you guys know when I’m out of energy
to keep going because of the pain growing/increasing: First take a shower, get dressed
to go outside (probbly a walk with Max before I leave), walk to the train station/buss
station, wait until it goes (also depending where the job is located this will varies, but
40 minutes on the train), walk another 5-6 minutes to swap to buss or the tram,
buss or tram + travel time depending where it is, but I would say another 20-25
minutes before I probbly would be at my workplace. And halfway here I would
already feel that I wont last for long, because I’m already finnished.
How do I know this? Becuase I was in a “good shape” when it was less backpain
for awhile and I had to go to a meeting at my work. I did everything above and I
was almost crying when I finaly got there, couldn’t sit still becuase it hurt so much
while I was listen to my boss talking about coming back to work and so on. This meeting
was for about 25 people but only 9 people came I think (around that) and that was becuase
they wore in either pain or they thought it wasn't important to come. The meeting wasn’t that
important and there was no news for me to keep up with, so I felt it was not necessary to
travel there becuase I got so much pain out of that day and it cost me like 23 dollars for nothing.
I did ask her if she could take the stuff with me over the phone, or email the info if there was
something I needed to know, so I wouldn’t hafto get there and lose money and also gain
pain, but I just slept it off when I got home and took it easy for the coming days after that.
(I didn’t work, it was just a meeting and I got so hammered that day and thats the result of a few hours).
Words can’t express everything, but I try keep my minds in the blog and explain what I belive
will happen and I do try my very best to try hold my head up high. But after 2 years of this pain
it’s kinda hard to keep going like this. And this is just the beginning of all the years ahead.
What will happen? Only time will show, trying to think that way. No need to worry
about things now, because I’m not there yet. I just know everything will be fine in
the end, but waiting until I have the answer to how my life will look like is not cool.
Over 2 years now and still going (strong)…
Going to bed now, its super earily. Peace!