FixarJocke – Version 13.12.03

In the previous blogpost someone posted a comment “A livingroom without a tv and no sofa?”.
Well if you read the older posts it will basicly tell you that our living room was the last project we
wanna work on. It’s alot of work to redo a whole new appartment when we want our own style to it.
So I did answer your comment back with the answer here:

We want to redo the living room before getting too much stuff into the living room, just becue we had
to setup some new wallpapers. We do have a TV but its not setup in the living room. Just becuse we
dont have a sofa yet, thats why we dont want to put it there. So our television is in the bedroom,
perfect place if you wanna see a movie untill you get tired and you just want to turn it off and sleep instead.
We have now (since a couple of weeks back) wallpapers in the living room and we have ordered a sofa.
It was supposed to be here before christmas but they lied to us! So we got a discount on 400kr to payup
their mistake! (thats 61,32 USD if any american reads this). So after we come back from our Thailand trip,
we will get it shortly after that.
Hope that was a good answer to your question, becuse you did make questionmarks…

Here is a funny picture from 2 days ago when i woke up with a bad hairday.
I look like freak i know XD But anyway, what happend lately? Nothing much
really, life is a pain as usual but that comes with life itself. But there is stuff that
I look forward for, like our vacation in early January and having a complete
home with all the furnitures you need. But life overall is really good if i look
back on what I had, lets say 1 year ago. We had a really shitty appartment
that we rented, but now we own one instead (so much better in everyway).
This was only possible becuse we had to save as much money as possible
to make this dream come true. With the comment eariler i get abit confused
when people say stuff like that, becuse this appartment cost us over half a
milion. Money dont grow on trees as far as I know, tell me if im wrong please!

 

I will make a video or something when I have a home to show, becuse people would like to know.
But in one way I dont want to show all the things we have here, becuse of security reasons. It’s really easy
to find our adress and such just be searching for our names. So maby i can over some time show parts of it
but not in one video (hope you guys understand).

FixarJocke – Version 13.11.18

In this changelog i will update you guys what happend the last week or so (alot of good changes).
I told the person who had my case, that I dont understand at all how she can almost force me out and
work when my body isnt good enough just yet. There is no change from before and i have gotten no
help so far what so ever. They only made like a checkup on me with alot of tests at that rehab place
i went to. And I said i wont give up on trying to continue staying home untill i get some proper help.
And FixarJocke means Fixing Joacim, like Joacim that fix things, yeah you guys get it (i hope).

Things have changed to the better just becuse ALOT of calls all over to diffrent people.
So now in two days i will have a meeting with my doctor and another woman that fix so people with
damaged bodies can go on more advanced rehabilitation centers. And thats whats going to happen
to be after my Thailand trip in January. I will be staying there for 6 weeks and will only come home
on the weekends (kinda sad) but i can still get money in the end of the month by accepting this state
and this rehab center and its totaly worth it (this time i demand help so i can get back to work soon).

Bad light in the pictures but the living room is now all done and my time streaming have come back.
Not the same amount of time as before but still alot compare to what i have done the last months (nothing).
So i hope to see you guys around on the stream, and this last night i got really scared in the game Skyrim!
Click here to see the video (dont need to be logged in)

FixarJocke – Version 13.10.31

Two months ago I wrote something on the blog and thats basicly becuse nothing have changed, untill today!
I’m so furious and I was shaking like crazy of all anger inside of me, never been so upset before (i think).

So whatsup?
Well as you readers know from previous posts I went to this rehab clinic to get more help and get everything
on paper why my back isn’t getting better, and what can we do to make it better. And the result was as I
have said before; can’t bend my back without getting pain that builds up and stay during the time i’m awake.
Can’t lift heavy things or even do daily stuff at home without getting alot of pain.
My girlfriend hafto help me sometimes with getting socks on and so on, so I dont hafto
outlast any pain or whatever. Hope you guys get my point and where I’m getting.
I CAN’T GO BACK TO WORK AT THIS CURRENT STATE!

So I have contact with my insurance fund that now and sometime back have been paying out a small
amount of money to be becuse I can’t work. And now when she got the papers and read it out loud to me,
she says there is going to change with the money you will be getting. She then tells me, that i wont be getting
anymore money from them becuse I can work. At that stage i though she was joking with me and i felt the
anger inside of me just build up from 0 to 100 in no time at all. I told her that if i was reading all those markers
with the pain i have and what i cant do, im not ready to go back to work.

And she tells me there is jobs where you can sit still and dont move around so there is options for you to
work and not stay at home. She dont really understand what pressure I’m under and how bad i feel every
single day. Then she ends the call with saying: “I hope i didn’t ruin your weekend and i hope it will be
a good one”. I can’t express my feelings more then i felt for a sec, that if I had one moment to do whatever
I wanted, for just some secounds. I would have hit her so hard becuse she made me so angry. But i would
never do such a thing, but i never get angry but she went over the line totally..

So okay i took a warm bath to try stop my body from shaking from all the anger (didn’t work well).
And I left a message to the new doctor i have been asign to becuse my doctor i had before have quit.
So this new doctor calls me back just some minutes ago and wants to know whats going on with not
getting any money from now on and such (her response was like “that cant be true right? ).
I told her about the call and I also told her that I’m intressted in taking antidepressant drugs to make
it easier for me. I was already laying down in the muddy ground, and now they step on me once again.
My new doctor tells me “Your in a shock, so we wont be fixing any antidepressant drugs at all for some
time, we hafto get back on that maby another time”. And i said well i just want to get that going becuse
i cant make it any longer, I was already down and this is just groundbreaking news to ruin everything.

She couldn’t care less and said “I will not have any time to my patients until next year so you know, but
i can fix so you can talk to this person that have contacts with people who can get you into another rehab
or more indepth investigation or so, and you can meet that person from the insurance fund you talked to”.
I said ofc i want that, and she said and then you can meet her face to face and talk to her.
And this meeting wont be nice and quite, i belive i cant outlast my anger, so i will be shouting most likely.
She needs to understand my situation becuse shes totally up in the blue and doesnt understand at all.

Havn’t I suffered enough? I had a small moment before my back was all messed up with happy days and
no problems at all. Worked and had alot of money and had everything under control. But now?
Everything is all messed up, cant work, relay everything on my girlfriend, economy and my feelings
for not being normal, i feel like a old man with backproblems and people look at me like:
”Oh why isnt he helping his girlfriend with grabing those bags of grocery”.
So many factors that brings me down and there is no light in the end of this tunnel.
To try think “Outlast the day and it might get better soon” isn’t working at all.
My advice from my friend over at Australia helped alot, but its not working anymore

For those people who love to hear and see me again (my viewers at twitch) will get some news now!
This picture shows a entery to the kitchen, but we didnt need two ways to get there, so we covered
it up now (well my girlfriend ofc, i cant do anything..). And the living room is now a work in progress.
That means, when its done in a few weeks i will get back to streaming alittle bit. So there is some good
news for you guys and i have missed streaming as i have said before, i really do. But it wont be as much
as it was before when i was doing it daily, but more when i feel like it and such. Feels nice to see some
friendly faces in that chatbox and just chat and hangout.

One of many funny times!

FixarJocke – Version 13.09.24

Day 3 on rehab is in a few hours and I’m about to get ready to go out in the cold now.
Today I will meet a occupational therapist and probbly talk about stuff I can’t do while I have this pain.
And there was this form I needed to fill in before I go there, so I have done that and some of the questions
was about handling stress. And I can’t handle stress at all so I guess she will go in depth on that subject.
Well I hafto see about that later on today.

I still looking forward for this and hope they find a solution
for me, or what ever they think is the best. I’m only abit down
and sad becuse I dont feel I deserve this. I kinda had it ruff
enough from before in my life. Don’t really need this in my life
and the biggest fear is if they say: “There is nothing wrong
with you”. I do know I wrote that before. But i try to express
myself and what my feelings inside is, and it’s all about that atm.
I’m focusing on good things and these meetings and stuff.

So that helps me alot to brighten up my day abit and it works
for now. Yesterday I talked to this psychologist and he
understand and have heard from so many people they dont
want to hear the words: “fake it untill you make it” or
“there is nothing wrong with you”. So I’m not alone to
feel feared about that and it’s totally normal.

Nice song huh? I like this artist alot and I think this song is great!

Just notice on friday will be my 4th day at rehab and I will then meet a Doctor!
I'M SO EXCITED, I JUST CAN'T HIDE IT!

FixarJocke – Version 13.09.22

Times are getting harder by everyday that passes through. I do try my very best to stay strong
and take the day as it come. But more and more lately I have been thinking about the future about
my life in general with this back. I guess this rehab I went to, gave me a another view of what it might
be causing the pain to continue and why it’s not healed yet after this long time. I have so far only meet
this physiotherapist from the rehab and she noticed something kinda earily with the tests.

”Woah! Your really hypermobility when it comes to your fingers, leaning to the left, right, back
and probably forward. I do need to talk to a doctor about this, so we can do a closer look if thats
the case. Becuse that might be the thing why your back isn’t healing up as it should be. It should
have been good long time ago.. I will need to tell them about this”.

She said it might be an indication of EDS and thats “Ehlers–Danlos syndrome”.
If you want to search it up, go ahead there is ton of information that I already have been harvesting with fatcs.
You guys can search it up if you want. Though there is so many diffrent version / levels of it and as she said I
was hypermobility and thats not good at all. It’s negative in the long term becuse you move your body in
directions too far. And now when my back in not in a good shape, I belive it needs to “rest” from the
”wrong” movements I do. But anyway, if it really is EDS.. Then it wont be any better anyway.

When I wrote about the meeting on my Facebook, relatives agreed on the facts that everyone on my
moms side, is hypermobility in their bodys. But they are all fine, so its very common in our family it seems.
I think some might think I’m sad about the facts it might be EDS and if it is, there is no real cure.
So I shouldn’t really go on the internet and read about the facts and try tell myself it MOST be it.
And just wait untill their tests are all good and see what they say about it.

The thing is that, I really hope this is the problem. Becuse then they finaly found it and people can understand
my situation more clearly. Becuse sometimes I have this feeling people might think I’m just lazy, and that will
prove them even more wrong. I try my very best and I try stand strong against all those brick walls im rushing
into kinda often. So today and yesterday I felt abit down and eariler I express myself infront of a player on
Damnation (thats where I play MineCraft at). He said, he was sorry to hear that and hopes it will turn out
good in the end. But he did understand what i ment with this indication of EDS.

If this isn’t EDS, what is it then? Whats the problem? Why isn’t my back healing as it should be doing?
Will they say “There is nothing wrong with you!” when there is a big problem with my back. I’m just a
big questionmark right now and hope these days just pass quickly. Becuse I do want to know what it is,
and all people around me. And also those at my work, they want me to get better before I come back.
So they can setup a new working place for me (that will suit my body good enough if I can handle it).

This made me really sleepy, so I guess it’s time to sleep now.

FixarJocke – Version 13.09.18

Hey everyone, I’m about nervous about the rehab thing on Friday…
If I havn’t told you guys about it, it’s just becuse I will get paper on what I can do and not.
So I will go to this rehab traning thing for 5 days (within total of 2 weeks starting this week).
I need to mark out on a paper I already have where it hurts and what kind of pain it is.
And I dont even know what to mark out becuse I’m not doing anything wrong now when
I’m only at home. I think of every single movement I do, becuse I can skip having any pain
if I dont twist or bend my back. Well I shouldn’t worrying, it will turn out good.
I would never got this next step with the rehab, if they didn’t belive me.
So it’s nice to have them on my side atleast.

Lately I have been playing SWTOR like ever before and I joined a hardcore guild for raiding.
So me and 2 of my friends did a Hardmode raid, and it was really really REALLY hard!
We didn’t really read much of what to do, but we had this pro Loki who told us what to do
over TeamSpeak, sooo much to remember but we did it on the first try (kinda).
Even if I didn’t get any new items we still made it and I got a achivement

So at the moment I’m standing in line to make some missions and do the weekly quests.
But I’m also abit tired, so I belive it’s soon time for me to go to bed and sleep some!
Life is overall nice and okay, even if I feel like I’m a questionmark when it comes to
be able to work and when and all that as you guys already know.

Self Reminder Note:
Gotta call my mom and talk to her
Me & Caroline gave her a present on her B-day but we forgot the present *fail on us*
But we did take her out on the movie Elysium at the cinema (great movie).
Also see if I have told her about the rehab thing on Friday.

FixarJocke – Version 13.09.13

Some music either makes you happy or sad. And I remmber when everysingle day was basicly in tears
when no one was around. Salty tears was my thing and I wasn’t strong enough to reach up and be happy.
But if I look where I stand today (lol I’m sitting really), I really came far and keep on going.

Almost nothing bring me down nowdays. I kinda need to skip the subject about my back, becuse it wont be
better anyway. As I said before, I have already accepted this fate and it’s alright really. The sad thing is only
that it fells like some people dont get it, it wont get better at all. There is nothing they can do.
I damaged it and I can only train so it get's abit stronger to a certain level.

 

This video with only lyrics had so many likes, but this music video got the opposite. Just listen to the lyrics, it’s a sad story but true to so many people out there.

I would say Miley Cyrus changed after she finnished with Disney.
Shes a mess if you compare to what she do nowdays in her music.
I wish her the best anyway but this is one of the new tracks I really like.

 

This day have been pretty much okay I slept like the whole day and we took Monkey Queen’s moms car to
my gym and Caroline needed to hand in a report on things she have done on her job. So while I was training
she was there and I didn’t do much becuse I dont feel good enough to move around like crazy with my neck.
My neck is okay now but I rather not go wild now when it’s “back to normal”, it’s still abit stiff still.

Well after that we went out to MAX (hamburger restaurant) and ate some yummy food. My rate on the food
today at that place is 9 of 10. I do give them ten points alot but I dont know why I didn’t enjoy the food as
much as I use to do. We have decrease the times we eat outside lately and during a week of time now,
we have gotten back to ourself with getting some nice food outside again. Feels awesome!

 

GUESS WHAT I ATE
2 CHEESE BURGERS OR 1 LOW CARB-BURGER !

 

Lol and now when look at them, I just want to go there today and eat some of that again. But if I remmber
correct we are eating something here at home today. Maby we can move that to tomorrow? Haha, well well !

So here is another question guys! Whats your favorite dish?

Here is a list what the hamburger contains. You guys can translate the words that you dont understand.

 

// Fixar
Do as me! Stay strong!

FixarJocke – Version 13.09.11

Hey everyone!
I just want to keep you guys updated about my life, I know some of you check my blog to have a closer look what’s
happening in my life. I woke up two days ago with torticollis/stiff neck and I have no freaking idea why I got it but
damn what it hurts! So I took a small break from the computer these days and have just bein resting in my bed and
I called in “sick” for the workout I do twice a week (becuse there was no way I could have workout with that neck).
So tomorrow on Thursday I will give it a go and do my best even if I’m not 100% back to normal..
*Phsss, Whispering* – Is Fixar normal? I didnt know that Fixar was normal.. hmm..

This is my favorite song of all time and have bein for some years now. What do you think about it? Isn’t nice?

Each day is another story in my life and I try to not focus to much about the bigger problems in my current situation
with not be able to work. But everything will be fine in the end, I do my best and try work with my inner strength to
keep the mood up and try to hold my head up high with a smile. I have done a lot of progress with it comes to
handling my worries about stuff and im proud of myself in one way. I really need to focus on the good stuff and not
the negative parts that might show up, no need to waste energy on that!

So good parts! First of all here is a short story of how all started turning all good!
Almost daily, me and my grilfriend talk about how happy we are in life and how everything have been working out
for us. We both lived with our mothers and she moved halfway and so did I, so she found an appartment and she
knew i wanted to move out asap. So the question was brought up quickly if i wanted to move in with her.
My answer was of course: YES! YES! YES! The problem was, she had a work (and still have) but I didn’t…
So it took some months and after I got some special codes on employment agency register about having dyslexia,
unstable with all the darkness and sadness I have in my backpack with my father. So I got a couple of codes that
would help me out with finding a job (some workplaces rather take those than “normal ones” for some reason).
So basicly if your a mess, you will get help in Sweden and if your so called “normal” with no issues, you will have
a really hard time finding a job by yourself. IF, you dont have contacts of course!

It didn’t take long untill I got myself a work and one year or so, after I started working for Samhall I damaged my
back. During this time me and my girlfriend had saved up money enough to buy an appartment, becuse there was
so much issues with the appartment that we didn’t see from the start. Leaking in water from the skylight at two
diffrent windows in the ceiling. Our freezer was outside our door, so anyone could have taken our food or so
And the basin was not attached good enough, so it was leaking under that place also and alot more to it.
There was also black mold all over the windows and probbly behind the walls. We lived there for around 2½
year untill we had enough and got this appartment finaly!

So now when we have moved, we can now save alot of money each month becuse we dont need to save for
taking a bank loan anymore. Well now we need to save the extra money to pay the loan back, but that is not
going to be a problem as long as we get any sort of income. We feel that we are rich and all, but we arn’t haha.
Low income on both of us but we try keep all the bills down, and save the rest for stuff we really want or want to do.
People around us tell us, isn’t time to get a tiny little monster that screams and all?
Yeah a baby/scream machine/poo splasher, and we kinda feel that we dont want to have one.

This is what we are looking for! <Pomeranian - Click here>
Well there is diffrent shapes of colours and all but something like this.
But Caroline do want to have a dog, so that will be our little baby I guess.
We wanted to let my “fan-base” of viewers on the stream to choose between the
names that we all make up. But in the end we will be the one picking it of the
suggestions. We had a few in mind but I dont remmber them at all right now.
It’s around 1 year from now untill it’s going to happen. anyway.

 

And something we did last year was going to Thailand and this year we are going there again! And it does feel
weird to be able to go once again. I have never had any good amount of money before but I guess it’s my time to
shine and have fun and experience stuff in life. I could never forseen all of this but I enjoy every single second of it.
And my best friend from Malaysia asked if we could visit him soon, and we will try to visit him next year around
december if it goes as planned. So you guys kinda get the picture I can’t wait untill it’s time to fly 12-13 hours all
around the world to asia and same time all the way back after spending 2 weeks there.

I write things here now of things im happy about at the moment and I hope you guys feel that I’m not just writing
all this just to brag or something. If you do know me, you should only feel happy for me and let me have fun while
I can before something turns up and life takes another turn. When you put yourself out here on the Internet people
love to interact and try to make smaller subjects to big ones or just like to make the author of the post angry or so.
Been so many times I get negative comments or just mean things. But I dont really care about those kind of people,
and also! If they want to spend time reading all this, its their loss becuse they waste their time here

Maby I can give them a laugh atleast?

 

Well if you guys want to comment and give advice on names on a puppy go ahead!
People call me Fixar, my brother Vixar and maby the puppy can have something similar? ^^

FixarJocke – Version 13.09.08

So last post I post a picture on me being banned on the server and some couple of other
people on the server. The server got hacked and we wore around 10 people on the Mumble
server talking to eachother about the server being hacked and there was no need to be in panic.
Everything will be fine, he did destroy atleast 2 Quartz blocks in the marketplace as far as I know.
And also put a sign up (MAKroy was the one being hacked). Everything was back to normal and
unbanned people was coming back to the server. And no fuzz about it after we came on the server again.
There was some people joining in that was acting weird and they didnt know about damnation being hacked
(as i saw it). So i guess an alternative account was accepted to the server and one of those people might
have done it. I donno but i felt like that was going on. Havn’t heard if they trace the IP down and match
it with users, but I hope for damnation’s sake it wont happen again.

Yesterday i was going to my brother and celebrating my brother and he had no clue me and Caroline
aka Monkey Queen was coming. So I covered the door pinhole and they wore abit scared to open the
door haha. And my brother was really suppriced about me standing there. I handed over my pressent and
he opened it right away. When he saw that i have gotten him the Diablo III game, he got goosebumps like
crazy and showed us. “This is the best present I have gotten so far in a really long time” and when I heard
that I was super happy. I did good and i knew it would be a nice present.

We started drinking abit and my brother was installing the game on his laptop and later on we started
playing a drinking board game. And if you lose you need to drink up all of it, even if they are empty we
need to fill them before he starts. Here is two pictures from last night

Frida, Victor aka Vixar, Michael & FixarJocke aka The King

FixarJocke – Version 13.09.07

Well I got banned and here is a screenshot

FixarJocke – Version 13.09.02

Today its Vixar’s birthday and i called him just before i went to the gym.
Vixar is my brother Victor by the way, but he got the nickname on my stream haha.
I told him today everyone call my brother for Vixar and they would like to see him.
So i told him i showed some pictures of us and MysteriaSecret said “I like him already”.
Hes really a great guy and today he turned 24, thats exactly 16 months younger than me
for those who wants to know if its my little brother  ^^,

Yeah, so happy birthday brother! Love you!

FixarJocke – Version 13.09.01

Sometimes (super rare) I get really angry and right now is one of those times.
I was checking the new game Final Fantasy XIV on a stream, and this guy was sitting shirtless
while streaming. He had two webcams for his computer and forced his wife/girlfriend to write
postcards all over the world for those who donated more than 5 dollars to the streamer.

She did her best and when she did something wrong she got yelled at and mean words was
just coming out of his mouth. This didn’t happen just once.. She asked one question gently and
abit on a low voice if she might distrub him. And he just raged and said can you please shut the fuck up.
I saw she got all sad and still tried the best she could and she seemed to be scared and NO ONE was
saying anything about show some respect man! So I just had to say something becuse of the anger that
was just increasing. The words wrote in the chat was this “Man show some respect to your wife…”.
I saw that he saw that and just ignored it and when I told some nice people on Damnation.eu where I
play Minecraft on, they also saw the other time when he just flipped out abit. My other message was
like this: “man i had enough of this guy, lack of respect and i hope karma strikes you hard”.

He said out in the stream abit annoyed “Oh okay FixarJockey, your welcome back another time. Cya!”.
I belive he didn’t want his girlfriend to see it and I asked some people on damnation.eu, if thats like
normal in US for men to act like that with their wifes. And one said its just an idiot and another one
said that so many are lacking of respect as i said and they should be as nice as Î am.

That made me smile abit that I’m the nice guy, even if I already know that but its good that it shows.
I really hope his wife gets another guy that can show some more respect to her and treat her like a
princess. Ugly guy with no respect gets nice and humble girlfriend, what did she see in him?
Well i guess i never get to find out, not that i care about that. But i hate when people dont
show the respect the other person should have. She did nothing wrong!

Nice song huh?

Well enough about that..
Its just about less than 60 hours left untill the big meeting or so regarding my situation with handling
a suit able work and figure out what would be good. And if not, what should we go from now on?
What will be the next step for me? I hope it turns out good but i’m really nervous about it becuse
I have been waiting too long for more help to be able to fix this. I almost had enough with tears at
one time and felt that my life is kinda shorten off becuse of the pain i have when i twist or bend it.
I’m twentyfive and my back is acting like i was an old freaking man.. It really stinks.. Sometimes
I do feel sad about it but I try not to think about it, even if i already accepted it for what it is.

FixarJocke – Version 13.08.25

It has been around one week since I made a blogpost and it’s about time for another one, right?!
So something that made me really happy today was getting back to streaming, and people who
tuned in today under this streaming session gave me tips. They said that I should just stream when
I feel like it, so it doesn’t feel that I most do it, feeling stressed about it and so on.

My viewers really care about me and they want the best for me, so they dont mind if it means that
they are getting less time watching my stream, atleast they know I feel better this way and they dont
get tired of too much of my stream. I got so many of them addicted to my stream so they missed out
on their daily habbits, just becuse they didn’t want to miss a secound of the stream. I do understand
that they want to spend time on it, becuse we always talk about serious and intressing stuff that can
go on for hours. There is never a boring time (if im not tired & lazy and non-active chat users online).

A few days ago I wanted to surprise everyone and without anything said, I just wanted to start
streaming and see who tuned in. But I was abit tired that day, so I left that to another day and that
streaming session was eariler today or yesterday depending how you see it.

I streamed for 11 hours and 32 minutes and I started off with some Minecraft for about 2½ hours,
then i played SWTOR with my swedish friends. After that I took a short time back to Minecraft and
basicly just talked alot about personal stuff and I gave some viewers tips about relationships and
some advice on computer stuff to get. And all that gave me 6 new followers and thats not
bad for taking a break for abit more then 2 months.

Subjects we got really into was to not be too shy in real life becuse it could mess your life up big time
later on. And also try to connect your bound with your parents, if it’s possible becuse they need to be
there when your down and help you get on your feet again. You need to have a person to turn to if its
a hard time and having a open and serious connection with your parent is really something you should
work hard for. Me and my mother have a great bound and I would say it’s really my bad dad who
made me choose to move from him and live with my mom when he was abusing me as a child.
She was always there even though I couldn’t open up all the time when I was little becuse
the subject was so hard to talk about at that time.

About being shy will affect you really alot later on when you grow up and it will be harder to get
new people around you like friends, partner and even getting a job. So train to talk to people
even if its hard, and i can talk abit about an experience I had with faceing cold water.
I still have fobia for cold water becuse my father forced showerd me in ice cold water becuse
I didnt want to sleep when i was younger at one point. And that still follows me around today,
but thats becuse I didn’t work against it. What I was told was something I didnt want to hear at
all, and it was to  get in contact with cold water and getting use to it. And that works with everything,
if something is hard and really heartbreaking, you need to face it to be able to controll it
better even if it takes alot of time healing that wound.

I hope make you as a reader understand what I’m saying but it’s what i have learned and i know its like this.
What I also told my viewers is its not all about the things you can get for money, but its also preparing your
life later on. So i told some of the younger viewers to try save up money so you have when you move out
from your parents appartment/house. So you can invest in your own stuff into the first new appartment your
getting. If i could redo all the money i had when i was little untill today, i would have saved up everything
almost becuse it really helps alot to be able to buy your own stuff when your finaly move out. Luckly me &
Caroline saved up together for an appartment and still buying stuff to improve the appartment and rebuilding
like everything from scratch. It cost alot of money & it takes time, so try think long and make good decisions in life.

I will stream later on today, no set time for that but I hope to see you there at some point.
And once again I would like to say thanks to Catman that linked me that video about stop
worrying so much. It really helped and made these past weeks now being so much better than
what I used to feel about my life and stuff. Now it’s time for bed for me!
Good morning folks, it’s now half past five in the morning haha..
I rate this day being awake: 10 out of 10

Is there anything you guys would like to ask or say, just go ahead and comment down below!

FixarJocke – Version 13.08.13

Dont have much time to read this blogpost? Then dont, just leave becuse this one
is pretty long in my opinion. I start off with saying thanks to a stream viewer i had before
when i use to do that all day long.

A friend of mine gave me a link how to rethink the situation and it really nailed it.
That person in that clip talked about some people worry just in vain about things
that might happen. And when it doesn’t happen you could have felt better by just
take stuff as it comes. Just like take the day as it goes, go with the flow~
So yeah thanks alot Catman for linking that video, it helped me with rethinking
how not do act or do. So now the past 3-4 days have been much eaiser to go by
and it feels good to live even if there is so much that could have been better.
But if i see all the positive sides it really shine throu with all the things i have in my
life, and shouldn’t be light up by bad things around me.

I got myself a really nice girlfriend, bought an apartment, my gaming-setup is mostly
complete (my hobby is important for me), we traveled to Thailand last year and we
are going to the same spot onces again. Our appartment is getting pimped out and
later next year my girlfriend is getting a dog, so she keeps on saying she is super happy
about life and so should i feel. It’s abit harder when I always have worked like this with
thinking of things that might happen and darkness have been the bigger scale of my life.
So it’s really hard to break that habbit but I really do my best to change to something
better, or let’s say change the way of thinking that makes me feel better in the end.

I got less than 20 days to rest and train my body for next stage (what ever that will be).
So earilyer today, well yesterday becuse its past midnight I went to the gym and it
was really good and everytime it goes well, I feel so happy about it becuse if the pain is
to strong i keep on skiping some training methods.

Well well, these past days have been good as i said before and me and some old internet
friends are currently playing SWTOR (Starwars the Old Republic) and we are screaming
and having so much fun  while playing. And it just feels like i have a good time so i will try
to enjoy this moment as much as i can and be happy. This weekend will i travel to my mom
and we are going to see a movie at the cinema Elysium i belive the name was of that movie.
Seems like a cool sc-fi movie but i think the trailers nowdays show 2 much of the film in them.
Well i belive the film will still be good but i dont like it when they lay their cards on showing
2 much on their trailers.

I will head over to my bed and i hope i dont dream about that creepy guy i dreamt about last
night, that took pictures throu our window and was peeking inside the appartment while me and
caroline was in the kitchen. So weird feeling when he took pictures and put it agianst the window
he had so we saw ourself on those photos on his window. This place in my dream was at my moms
place and that guy in that window was peeking at one time when i lived there. But i have no idea why
I dreamt about it last night haha.

And about those negative comments on my blog about that i shouldn’t write about the same boring
and non-fun stuff all the time and with all the problems i have on my blog. First i would like to say,
if you dont like the content dont read it. And what people do on their blogs is talk about their life.
And basicly its about their moments in life when they have a hard time to let it all out. Some are more
private than others and im open as a book as you all know. Repect me as I am, dont need people to
tell me what to do i guess you can stop beating on a person that already lays down and fix your
situation in life if you feel that you can mock someone ells on the internet. And this isn’t the first time
someone come and say those words so its nothing new. I have people around me that would like to know
what’s happening and whats going on inside my head. And i just share it with people here so i dont hafto
repeat myself like 3-4 times per day when something happend. So here is my middle finger for those bad
viewers on my blog, hope you liked it (I sure did)

PS:
I love MysteriaSecrets comments on my previous posts haha
Did taste one cake Caroline made a week ago or so, but I’m not so much for chocolate cakes.

FixarJocke – Version 13.07.29

Time goes by really quick i would say, but also slow depening how you see it for my sake.
I’m thinking of my back atm with this situation and I have changed workplace so many times
in a short notice just becuse it might get better with a new work with diffrent kind of movements
while working that isn’t that bad. But nothing have been good enough for my back and I use now
a even better painkiller cream for my back (might need medicin like pills if it goes worse).

List of jobs i had in a short notice that i changed between:

1. General Store
2. Cleaner
3. Logistics Department

But nothing is really okay for my back and all the switching without giving my back a rest before
i start on another place is just starting on the wrong step. Becuse I cant really work as I should
do becuse of the pain that holds me back. The worst case scenario was now on the last job.
So i couldn’t stay for long and now I’m home again untill my doctor and some other people
is back from their vacation, so we all can have a meeting. I am an employee of the company
Samhall who find companies that are adapted to their disability. So they need to really focus
on my needs and see what I can do and not.

Some I've talked to have suggested telephone support service so I'm open to it.
But it is their (Samhall) responsibility to find one for me so I can manage to take care of a job.
And not cry after the working day when I go home or when I’m at work or trying to outstand
the pain untill i finnish off work. So for another 1 month now I will be home resting and trying
not to think lot about work, money, how everything will solve or so, becuse I will only be really
sad and down if I go around and think about those problems. But I wont stand there with no
money atleast, their system is good enough to help people like me but I really want to do those
6 or 8 hours per day 4 or 5 times a week. So i can earn the big money again like before..

Really like this song!!

Well well time will tell and i try enjoy myself with stuff I like and I kinda got into playing SWTOR
again, and it feels good to play with my old swedish gaming friends while doing it. So atm we are
3 people doing it and trying to get a fourth guy to come along. And also I think alot about streaming
again but I’m not ready at all atm, it is alot going on even if these days are no plans at all but in my
head it’s like thousand pieces apart and I need to fix it before doing anything ells that can burden me.

Alot of people have said stuff like: “ofc we understand, take your time” and its nice for them to wait
untill its all good again. I try to stay happy and have the strength to held my head up high even if it’s
really hard. Thats why I play alot and just do stuff that I really like and escape abit from the reality.

If anyone have any questions you can type them in the left side on this blogpage.
The textbox is “Question box” and you guys that read this blog can ask what ever you want.
You can be anonymous also if you do want to, personal questions are the most funny ones to answer.
Don’t be shy and just go ahead and ask anything about anything

FixarJocke – Version 13.07.16

Those days back when I started streaming daily it was so much fun and all I wanted was to
do it as much as i could. And i think i reached my limit, too much of the good stuff and I feel
abit stressed out becuse I need to start it becuse thats what I do, everyday!
I really love the interaction with viewers, discussions we have and the stories we share
and give each other, tips to do IRL if something is messed up. My channel on twitch is just
more than gaming and I love it! Thats the goal I wanted it to be. Mission Complete!
Well I kinda want to take a break from streaming so I can rest for abit.
So much going on IRL with knowing what my job is going to be like becuse the tasks is
changing, becuse I could handle the other stuff I did before. But they dont want me to
leave so they change the things i can do so I can stay. I must have made a good impression.
I have ideas on my YouTube channel to try making vlogs and showing some IRL stuff and
make my channel there going better. Adding stuff like LP’s and such but it’s alot to prepare
and when do I have the time? I just dont..

I read the comments on this music video, sad that he died.. he had a lovely voice!

Things that happend from last post is that we now have paid our trip to Thailand and this time
we wont go there alone. Both Caroline’s mom and my mom is going to share the trip with us.
And I have never made anything fun I would say more then once a cinema movie or so, but no
bigger things like this. So I really looking forward for this, and my mom have never been to Asia.
It all started that Caroline wanted her mom to come with us, and then I though but then my mom
should come along and it was all set after that. So it’s going to be alot of fun and i promies I will
take pictures and do some vlogs even though I wont be able to upload them when im there but
I will edit and make a nice vid when I come back Long time though untill the trip, its in January.

FixarJocke – Version 13.07.07

Hey everyone..
This last friday wasn’t good at all with the result of what the day gave me.
I went to the doctor and she was more then happy then usual, she was going to travel by car all around
the world for 2 weeks. So she was abit hyped haha, but when I left that place i went home with papers
that said that i should be home from work to rest for two weeks. And I have diffrent opinions on being
home when my back is like this. For starters I would like to work but I really can’t and that makes me
so sad, becuse I want to earn money and stuff. Money is always needed but it’s not that I lack of it
anyway. The other way to see it, is that I feel that I can actually charge my battery so it will be alittle
bit better later on when these two weeks have bein (if it’s enough).

But my plan is now to try get a hang on a person that might fix another job that is more suited for me.
Becuse I can’t work around with my body and I have actually faced the fact even though in my brain
saying it’s just so weird. I have no idea how my life will turn out to be or what I will work with later
on in my life. The only thing I know is that Caroline stands by my side and that helps me alot,
becuse for example I can’t really do alot of householding stuff..
But I do try and help as much as I can when needed.

Havn’t heard this one before! Kinda nice, though alot of comments: “We want the old Miley back!”. I guess everyone change by time. Didn’t she work for Disney Channel for abit with some shows and music for it?

I should be going to bed a long time ago, gym later on today,  cya!
I have been awake for more then two days now I think lol.

FixarJocke – Version 13.07.03

Swedish music~

Sometimes life is alot harder than it sounded like when you wore younger…
Everything is surrounded by having a job and do it to 100% and what if you can’t do that?
Well it got alot harder and people dont understand how hard it is for me when backpain doesn’t show that well.
I’m soon going to a meeting and that person is handling my case, never meet her and i hope this go good becuse
I’m about to burst out in tears. I really think now I can’t work at all and when I know my doctor said:
“It’s not going to be good ever but it can feel alittle better just with training”.
And I have felt that for some weeks, but one move and all goes down the drain…

I can probbly say if I didn’t have my girlfriend I would probbly considering this life being worth the time.
To feel like a outsider, 25 years old guy with already backpain, a person who can’t even work like normal
people do. MAKES ME SO FUCKING SAD! I’m about to start crying but i save that for the meeting if
I can’t hold it in abit more. When friends around me are down I always say, cry if you feel like it dont hold it in,
but I guess you make your thing/decision when needed. Either they need to fix me another job so I can feel some
joy and not almost start crying after work every single day or they need to fix so I can get money in another way.
Becuse I really want to live a life without pain (dont want to use painkiller medicin all the time like i do).

Listen to this song and feel abit better becuse I like it even if the words isn’t that joyful or nice.
And another thing that makes me feel better alot is to dissapear into the gaming world so I almost can think about
something ells about the pain. Thank you my viewers and my internet friends that make it alot better in my life.
You really have a big part in my life

*ok couldn’t hold it in.. sigh..*

FixarJocke – Version 13.06.11

Nice song, though abit sad.

Heard a song from Thailand? Here is one i just found on YouTube, it was kinda nice and calm.

Nevermind the song, here we go abit about my life and such.
These two days have bein really hard for me to stay alert and streaming and stay awake.
This new job is taken my strength and I’m doing like half of the job. It should be one-man-job
but I can’t do it with my back at this state. And today I got a a comment while i was wiping some dust
off a staircase from a rezident and it wasn’t fun hearing. “Oh nice job.. I used to do that two back in the days..”.
The way he said it was like “I’m above you and your at the lowest job you can find”.
That makes me really annoyed about what he said and I also think “Well atleast i got a income”.

Some days are better then others and this day have been both bad and good.
Ate some food in a restaurant with my girlfriend Caroline and after that we took a walk to a general store ICA.
And I got myself a icecream and Caroline a small bag of different nuts and after that I got myself a USB-hub and
a USB-fan. For those hot days while gaming (hope it doesnt make alot of noise).

Enough said for now and I try make another post when possible to tell more about whats happening.

PS:
Got nosebleeding becuse of sneezing to much. Wont stream with webcam today haha.

FixarJocke – Version 13.06.03

Some days are easier than others and the regular days goes from being “not-to-do-anything” to
being really nervous. Tomorrow is a meeting i need to get to and i never traveled there before.
I hope i find the place in time, need to check how to get there by train and buss and so on.
Might just go and check that tomorrow before i go and bring my phone with me so i can
check on a map or something so i can see where i need to go.

I hope i will suit this new job good and they think I’m good enough to give me a higher rank
as he said he would like to give me after alittle while. Just the standards and the area that I need
to learn first before I get that. It feels so weird right now so I can’t even explain it.
Wish me good luck please, I think i need it..

Streaming have been lacking of interest from the viewers and I think i have been noticed that.
I sometimes like it, but it doesn’t give me the same feeling i had before while doing it.
Do the good feelings when streaming come in waves? Or is it just one of those moments
in life I need to pass by and everything will be back to normal? I really love to stream but
I also feel that i hafto do it. Fun thing to do but you also have a pressure to keep up with
good work, maby you can compare to having a job.

This post wasn’t any good news or anything happy but sometimes you need to write all the stuff
thats on your mind. It gets easier by time and I do love my life and what I have and what i can do.

I know my blog is inactive but i will try to make a few more if i remmber asap.

FixarJocke – Version 13.04.04

I got some good news in all these dark days in my life.
Everything is hard but it will be better in time, if you just wait and thats what i have bein waiting for.
It’s my time to shine and today something really nice happend for me and my girlfriend and it will
affect the streaming and i guess the YouTube channel if i start with that before we move.
Yeap you read that all correct, we are moving becuse we won the bidding on the appartment!
In about 4 hours we will sign the papers and everything is all finnished and done for good.

So a nice day for us and I’m in a good mood for streaming.
what shoud i try to get today? Materials for the inc town? Seems the only good reason to do today
becuse i dont have any really goals for today. I guess BlessedFalcon want to help me gathering items
and we might see some more donation so we get abit closer to making the town in the server Damnation.eu.

And i just made a call to the internet company that will be in that appartment and the highest connection we
coud get is 25MBit/sec and i asked them if that really means it’s 25 000kb/sec both up and down. And it sure
did mean that, so i feelt so happy. Becuse just now i have like 2 300kb/sec down and like 1 200kb up.

That means i coud have no problem having maby a FTB server up and having my modarators joining if so
while i stream. And that’s probbly gonna happend when we have moved and everything is setup and such.

As you guys know it’s all happening so fast and there will be more to come now when we grow so fast on
twitch. And when i get the intro for my LP’s i will become even bigger and thats awesome. Wish me luck guys.

Btw my b-day is the day after we are moving in the appartment so i guess thats my big present

FixarJocke – Version 13.03.22

Piece of Me! She got the looks for sure, so does my girlfriend think also!

So its time to try to make this all easy for both those who watch my YouTube channel and do follow me
on Twitch.tv when i stream. You will be able to see some blogpost in english so you guys get updated also.
But i mostly have this blog for just write some of all the things that i think about daily.

So this will be the page i will give alittle more of myself and thats why i used the Brittney song in the beginning
of this post “Piece of Me”. It’s possible to translate everything that i write here with the  Google Translate bar
to the left of this post if you woud like to read anything of the swedish content.

I have around 30 minutes more infront of the computer now untill i need to go to work and our goal this weekend
will be to have 30 more followers! I think thats possible when i coud get 16 followers on a regular day. So inc
weekend does have alot of gamers out there and their school and work is on hold, so its really possible to get it.
Wish us luck on the Stream on http://twitch.tv/fixarjocke

I’m getting help from KrazyKidKane with the intro for in comming intro of my “Lets Play’s” on YouTube and that
means i coud start doing them in english and i will start of with a bukkit server that allows the Mods in the stream
to join if they woud like to when i do the episodes.

Divrax and a guy called Pablo on Twitch will help me with the designs on both YouTube and Twitch so everything
is going really nice and shoud be alot better in time. So for you that follow me woud see changes soon enough.

Okay i really need to go and fix some more things before i go to work, i hope i see you on the stream later on!

Another Minecraft song is out, check this one out!

FixarJocke – Version 13.03.18

Idag såg jag avsnittet där jag hade varit med i deras statistik/forskning där dem pratade om självmord.
Jag kände igen mig så mycket i Mina (blonda  tjejen som är skådespelare) och efter att ha kollat på
avsnittet så hade jag fällt några tårar. Tänk att man varit så himla nära på att avsluta livet och som
dem sa på avsnittet; “Många tänker att om jag tar slut på detta livet, så kanske jag får det bättre
i nästa liv som jag får”. Och så vet jag att även jag tänkte men som jag sa till journalisten så var
det en person jag lovade att aldrig mer försöka eller tänka på självmord något mer.

Klicka här för att se klippet på TV4Play!

Eftersom jag tar löften så hårt så försöker jag allt för att inte bryta dem och det var många år sedan
jag lovade det och inte tänkt på att ta slut på mitt liv. Så har jag lyckats ganska bra men det var väldigt
svårt att lova en sådan sak som jag visste att jag kanske inte kunde hålla. Men min dåvarande flickvän
tjatade till sig det och det kan jag ju tacka henne för att hon tvinga mig att lova henne det. Eftersom jag
är nöjd med mitt liv (vissa delar hade jag extremt jävla gärna ändrat) och jag mår bra idag om man bortser
ifrån vissa delar. Men allt löser sig om man bara ger allt lite tid, så jag försöker hålla mig stark och hålla
livsglöden uppe även om det är svårt ibland att se något ljus eftersom så mycket i mitt liv bara är hinder
iaf den senaste tiden.

Kommentarer utav en person som sänker mig (det är en “vuxen” person i min omgivning) och sedan är
det lite jobbigt att försöka hålla humöret uppe när man är deprimerad men jag vet att det har med ryggen
att göra (eftersom ryggvärk leder gärna till depp och då drabbas alla kategorier).

Men jag går ju iaf och tränar två gånger i veckan och det har hjälp lite men jag får ont i vissa lägen och
det kan hugga till och hålla i sig resten utav dagen om det händer osv. Så idag på jobbet högg det till i ryggen
och det påverkade min träning då jag inte kunde göra allt som jag skulle. Vissa moment blev för jobbiga och
det gjorde jätte ont. Så när jag skulle göra en viss grej 15 gånger, klarade jag det bara 8 innan jag vek mig
av smärta och vid ett annat tillfälle skulle jag göra 10 men klarade bara av 6 eller 7 och detta skulle jag göra
x 3. Så idag gick det inte alls bra för min del på rehab träningen men den träningen jag gör kommer göra det
lättare senare då jag får tränat upp min kropp bit för bit.

Min sjukgymnast sa att det kommer så småningom men detta kommer ju ta ett bra tag innan jag är “bra” i
ryggen och kan återgå till att arbeta precis som förut. Men det är bara att kämpa på och ta en dag i sänder.
Så det är så jag försöker tänka så jag orkar med mitt liv. Siktar gärna in mina drömmar på att åka till Thailand
igen nu i Januari igen och att få försöka få flyttat under detta året innan våran resa men det tror jag inte är omöjligt.

Jaja nu ska jag inte skriva på även om jag säkerligen hade kunnat skriva bra mycket mer om vad som
händer och vad man tänker på. Men nu avrundar jag med att skriva godnatt och hoppas ni har haft en
bra dag. Själv har jag streamat ca 5-6 timmar tror jag har haft det roligt under den tiden även om jag
bara höll mig till ett spel.

FixarJocke – Version 13.03.13

Dagen har varit helt okej om man bortser från uppgifter på jobbet som inte min rygg gillade alls.
Men efter det blev det att bli upphämtad på stationen och så åkte vi till Aling-Thai och åt lite buffé.
Sedan var det dags att åka hem och vi stannade till på ICA för Caroline skulle in en sväng på Apoteket.
Efter det spenderade jag resterande utav dagen och kvällen med mina prenumeranter på Twitch.
Det blev lite Q&A och det var lite roliga frågor kom upp och imorgon frågade dem om
jag kunde köra ”facecam” så jag sa att om dem ville det kan jag fixa det.
Det betyder alltså att jag spelar med min webcam på.

Men över till det många var så hype:ade över med journalisten som ringde upp mig tidigare idag.
Jag visste ju inte vad dem hade på hjärtat men jag visste ju hur deras program funkar och hur dem brukar
se ut som jag skrev i tidigare inlägget. Djupa samtal och väldigt seriösa samtalsämnen som är känsliga eller
då någon förklarar sitt liv genom det tråkiga dem gått igenom.

Det dem ville ha, var info ifrån personer som försökt ta självmord och hur tankarna omkring det var och hur
man tog sig ifrån det. Sedan hur föräldrarnas part i det hela är och vad dem kan göra åt saken för att underlätta
det hela för ens barn. Vilka hjälpmedel det finns och jag gissar på att dem kommer även berätta om vad personer
varit med om utan att nämna några namn dvs skulle jag tro.

Så jag förklarade snabbt hur allt börja för mig och under vilken ålder som jag blev slagen då jag var liten osv.
Och jag pratade på så man blev helt torr i munnen och sen räckte det, dem fick info hur det var i mitt fall och
hur jag lovade en dåvarande flickvän att aldrig försöka någon mer gång med att ta livet utav mig och har inte
försökt bryta löftet sedan dess. Det som är lite kul är att jag känner att vissa personer känner att allt med detta
handlar om empati och mycket om “tycka synd om mig” men det är inte jag som tog kontakt med dem.
Utan tvärtom, dem sökte upp mig och ville veta och jag förklarade.

Mina tråkigheter med självmordstankar och tankar på min pappa som gjorde att jag mådde riktigt dåligt är ju
över för länge sedan. Men ändå tror folk att det handlar om något annat än att jag bara förklarar hur det har
varit för mig. Speciellt när man helt random gör narr utav något man skrivit tidigare för att man antingen
har något emot mig eller att man bara vill jävlas. Börjar bli trött på vissa personer ganska kraftigt.

Och har jag skrivit sluddrigt nu så är det för jag är påväg att somna haha.
Jaja blir nog ett inlägg snart igen ska ni se. Pözz på er sålänge!

FixarJocke – Version 13.03.12

Dags för ett inlägg nu när det är lite nya uppdateringar i mitt liv. Min dag började med att jag nästan
försov mig men tack vare min sambo som kom hem från sitt jobb så vakna jag i tid. Eftersom 9 alarm
inte hjälper då mobilen är precis bredvid mig. Jobbdagen var lite stressig med vad man ska hinna med
på 4 timmar men jag fick nästan gjort allt som jag har på mitt schema (lite svårt då man har svårt för
att böja sig och känner sig yr till och från).

Hur som helst var dagen klar och jag suckade ut allt jag kunde på tågstationen och tänkte såhär:
”Nu är jobbet klart, nu är det fritid och ledighet resten av dagen” endast för att jag ska kunna lura
mig själv att koppla av lite. Och jag som numera streamar spel (live sänder då jag spelar spel) hade
lovat mina tittare att spela med dem. Så från att jag kom hem tills att jag tänkte gå och lägga mig
fick jag försvinna in i en annan värld och känna mig bortkopplad.

Men så måste man ju bara kolla sin mail och sin facebook innan man ska stänga ner.
Och då hade jag fått ett mail ifrån en journalist från TV4 som gärna skulle vilja kontakta mig
och jag kunde nå personen på telefon och även den mail adressen hon skickade. Jag skrev tillbaks
att jag gärna vill ha mail kontakt och att jag blev glad utav att jag fick mail utav henne.

Min första tanke var först, någon måste skämta med mig eller?
Sedan när jag såg ändelsen på mail adressen när det står @tv4.se så blir man ju lite säker på att detta
måste ju faktiskt stämma. Så tittar man på mailet igen och ser att det står ju faktiskt ett mobil nummer
också, så det måste ju vara något äkta det här. Mitt hjärta börja slå hårt och snabbt och jag blev ju
jätte glad som sagt men undra vad dem ville mig? Snabb fundering var nog “Det måste handla om
min sk pappa som har misshandlat mig när jag var liten?”. Men detta återstår att se, hoppas på ett
fint mail imorgon med lite mer info

Denna låten får bli såhär”Nu måste jag dra till sängen!”

Det roliga är att en utav mina drömmar var att få säga hur min väg i livet har varit och få hjälpa människor
och ge tips på hur man ta sig igenom allt. Jag har ju erfarenheter utav att bli misshandlad, mobbad och att
känna sig ensam och ändå står jag upp (nästan rakt) och lever idag. Kan se tillbaks och se allt som en jobbig
men bra väg till den jag är idag. Är stolt över mig själv att jag lyckades ta mig så långt som jag aldrig trodde
jag skulle göra. För min utväg skulle ju vara en snabbare väg till himlen dock blev det inte som det var tänkt.

Så himla nyfiken att jag blev från trött till uppspelt och pigg!
Ibland är det alltså dumt att kolla sin mail innan man ska sova haha.
Jaja får väll försöka!

FixarJocke – Version 13.02.28

Denna gjorde så jag drömde att jag skulle dö!

Musikvideon ovanför gjorde så jag drömde om att jag skulle dö men jag ville inte berätta något
för Caroline. Men min mamma gjorde världens kalas och jag tror dem flesta visste om det i min
släkt för när väl kalaset var igång så kom släkten fram och grät och krama om mig och sa grattis
på födelsedagen och hade vattenfyllda ögon som höll på att brista.

När väl Caroline förstod att vafan är det som händer, varför är alla ledsna?
Så tog min mamma iväg henne en stund och förklarade att jag har cancer som inte går att bota
på något sätt för den var för aggressiv. Jag hörde bara ett skrik och det blev tyst på hela kalaset.
Jag gick in på toaletten för att vara ifred och jag ville inte möta hennes blick som skulle visa
”Jag älskar dig så enormt mycket och ändå lämnar du mig pga att cancer ska ta dig ifrån mig!”.
Det jag ville var helst en födelsedag utan tårar men det gick inte att undgå.
När jag väl fick mött Caroline igen, så sprang hon allt var hon hade och krama om mig och
min axel blev blöt utav tårar och sedan vakna jag.

När jag vakna så ville jag prata med släkten om att dem har alltid haft en plats i mitt hjärta
även om det är personer man inte träffat så ofta, så har dem ändå betytt och jag har tänkt
på dem. Men jag förstod ganska snabbt att det bara var en dröm så då somnade jag lite
eftersom klockan var inte mer än 03:04. Sen vakna jag vill ungefär 3-4 gånger efter det
och nu tillslut sitter jag här och ska övergå till den mer spännande delen vad som hände
igår på Sjukgymnasten och Läkaren som jag fick träffat på vårdcentralen.

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Klockan nio var det dags att träffa sjukgymnasten och jag hade väntat ett bra tag för att få
chans att få bestämt något eftersom det var ett inställt möte sedan tidigare. Så jag har fått vänta
mer än vad jag har velat, men igår blev samtalet smidigare än vad jag hade förväntat mig för jag
vet att allt bara ska krångla och allt ska göra mitt liv jobbigare just nu. Jag är i dagens läge väldigt
vek med hur mycket jag har stått emot men än har jag inte brutit ihop men har inte varit långt ifrån.
Så med mig ska man ta det försiktigt och tänka på vad man säger så jag inte tar det på
fel sätt, för jag orkar inte mer grejer nu.

Mina besök hos sjukgymnasten kommer bli på hälsostudion där det blir helt gratis för min del.
För jag ska börja på något som heter AKTIV och det är för personer som behöver rehabiliteras
när det gäller att träna upp kroppen för tidigare skador osv. Och för att jag ska träffa honom är
det måndagar och torsdagar som jag kan träffa honom. Annars ska det vara öppet alla dagar i
veckan (om jag inte minns fel) men jag tror man måste berätta när man kommer och så för det
är väldigt viktigt att ringa och säga till om man inte kan komma. För missar jag 3 tillfällen så är
denna chansen borttagen för mig och jag får antingen träna själv, på vårdcentralen själv med
endast instruktioner eller på Sportlife där jag har mitt gymkort. Men den vägen ska jag ju inte
gå utan jag ska gå så ofta jag kan utan att trasa ner kroppen med träningen. Finns ju en del
regler man bör gå efter då man ska börja sakta och öka när det blir bättre och man får starkare
rygg osv. Allt löser sig iaf med den delen och det är skönt att det inte kommer kosta mig något.
Det är gratis för att Arbetsförmedlingen, Försäkringskassan, en del skattepengar och kommunen
är med och betalar hela grejen tillsammans en viss del. Därför är det gratis för mig tex.

Min sjukgymnast sa att det bästa hade ju varit i mitt fall att fortsätta vara sjukskriven som jag är
tills jag har blivit bättre för i nuläget är det inte ens på tanken att öka min procent (håller med helt).
Men han nämnde att det är läkaren som bestämmer det och inte han men om hon inte går med på
det så kan hon prata med honom så dem kommer fram till något tillsammans. Och där tänkte jag
med engång “nu kommer det jävlas för mig, det kan jag lova!”.

Jag kom dit tillslut (var där för tidigt och sedan var hon försenad lite) och hon var ju inga problem
med att öka min sjukskrivning eftersom vi har en plan på minst två gånger i veckan på AKTIV och
jag kommer bli kallad tillbaks för att öka sjukskrivningen sen första april igen om det behövs.
3 månader säger min sjukgymnast att det kommer ta innan man ser LITE resultat så jag ska göra
mitt bästa med passen och han ska finnas där för att pusha så det borde gå fint det här.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

För ett par dagar sedan så ringde jag min mamma för att få lite råd.
Men hon svarade inte och hade inte tänkt på att ringa upp när hon väl hade tid och klockan inte
var för mycket. Så igårkväll ringde hon och vi pratade i näst intill två timmar om allt dumt som
har hänt och hur jag ska göra i framtiden. Skönt att ha en mamma som finns där och ger än
råd när det behövs. Tänk att man kan klara sig fint utan sin ena förälder genom livet om man
bortser mina svackor jag har haft pga min sk pappa. Men att jag känner inte behovet utav att
ha något mer än min mamma, jag tycker det räcker med henne hon fyller upp hålet som min
”pappa” lämnade kvar inom mig. Hon är guldvärd!

Och nu har jag bara en timma på mig att göra mig iordning för att byta ämne helt men jag
känner mig helt plöttsligt stressad. Dock är det inte så mycket att göra men jag har väldigt
lätt att stressa upp mig i onödan men så funkar jag. Därmed funkar inte min mage som den
ska ibland vissa dagar, dock idag är det inga problem (kanske för mycket info men “skit-samma”
haha, jag skriver ju som sagt PRECIS VAD JAG VILL).

PS:
Fick köpt gympaskor också så nu är jag “fit for fight”.

FixarJocke – Version - 13.2.26

Har du någon gång känt dig instängd i dina känslor för att du inte kan förklara dig?
Eller att du har något att säga fast du kanske förstör mer än vad det gagnar dig i slutändan?
Kanske har du haft känslan att få skrika ut något för allt och alla men det motas tillbaks?
Du kanske förstår mitt läge?

Jag kämpar på som vanligt iaf och har precis tryckt i mig en smörbulle (one more to go).
Denna dagen har för övrigt fått betyget 2 av 5 skulle jag vilja säga och bl.a är det för
Västtrafik som gjorde så jag blev uppstressad och även försenad hem kan man väll säga.
Ett utav spåren var avstängda och alla tåg i båda riktningarna var tvungen att dela på ett
spår istället för två. Därmed blev det att vi var tvungen att släppa förbi andra tåg pga spårbrott.

Skönt att vara hemma iaf och denna dagen är avklarad, blir nog snart att lägga sig för jag inte
orkar vara uppe. I snitt sover jag nog mellan 9-11 timmar per dag och jag känner mig väldigt
utvilad men inte stor förändring då jag alltid orkade vara uppe till midnatt och gick upp fyra
på morgonen för att göra mig iordning till jobbet osv.

Hur som helst ska jag imorgon till sjukgymnasten och det är då allt börjar gå åt rätt riktning.
Ibland önskar jag att man kunde spela fram tiden så man slapp saker och ting, då menar jag
inte träningen som jag står inför som vissa kanske kan tro. Jag menar hur vissa val blir gjorda
och vissa konversationer med personer som man helst inte vill ta. Kan se liknelser idag som
hände för strax över ett år sedan ungefär. Hade jag haft en anonym blogg hade jag kunnat
skriva ut precis ALLT jag känner, tycker osv men nu är detta en så oanonym blogg som
man kan tänka sig. Och därför blir det genast en hel del man måste rätta sig efter då vissa
personer kanske inte ens ska vara inne på min blogg och läsa.

FixarJocke – Version - 13.2.23

Lyssna medan ni läser om ni vill, rätt härlig låt.

Min blogg har i största delen varit död och nu på senare tid innehållit en del om mina uppdateringar på YouTube.
Men nu tar vi det hela på en mer privat nivå och kör lite om vad som händer i mitt liv och så kanske ni får lite ny
info om vad som har hänt och vad som kommer att hända i framtiden och vilka planer jag har för detta året.

                                                                                                                                                                      

Jag tror jag har förklarat tidigare att jag har väldigt ont i ryggen nuförtiden (mer än tidigare) och jag har tagit
steget längre att börja med Voltaren som jag fick utav min sambo nu på alla hjärtans dag. Själv köpte jag henne
en plast ros för att det är tradition för min del då hon inte gillar riktiga blommor som vissnar med engång.
Så jag fick Voltaren som är min nya bästis och hon vill en till ros till sin samling (totalt 3st nu).

I och med att min rygg har förvärrats så gick jag till vårdcentralen och fick träffat en läkare som inte tyckte
det verkade fel med att ta lite röntgenbilder. Det tog ungefär en vecka innan jag fick mitt besked med datum
då dagen skulle komma då jag skulle få ta kort på ryggraden och sedan tog det ytterligare en vecka tills
jag fick ett brev hem. I brevet stod det kortfattat “Det är inga fel vad vi kan se. Mvh blabla” osv.

Och som min sjukgymnast sa från början är detta något som kommer ta väldigt lång tid att bli bra med igen.
Det som gäller för mig är träning och detta löser man inte inom en snar framtid utan detta kan ta år att bli
bra i ryggen (riktigt bra kan det aldrig bli om den nu blivit skadad såhär). En sak som förvärrar saken är att
man lätt kan bli deprimerad utav smärtan i ryggen och då förvärras allt i livet. I början av veckan ville jag bara
ha en avlivningsspruta för att slippa detta och att inte kunna sköta mitt jobb som jag har. Men jag tycker livet
är värt att leva så länge man har något att kämpa för eller har någon framtid med. Och jag har ju min sambo
som pysslar om mig och finns där när jag har ont.

Så det gäller att försöka tänka en dag i taget och bara bita ihop.
Varje dag är ett stort kliv och tur att jag har långa ben så jag klarar det (varit med om en del så detta är
inga problem). Men det är riktigt svårt så fort man får ett hinder och detta ser jag dagligen och det gäller
inte bara med mitt ryggont utan på andra kategorier som bekymrar mig men det hoppar vi just nu.

                                                                                                                                                                 

Detta året kommer bli händelserikt om jag och min sambo får bestämma så som vi vill ha det.
Vi har två större mål detta året som är ganska så stora för våran del. Vi har ju som sagt sparat undan
en hel del pengar och vi har även fått lånelöfte på en viss summa för att få köpa en lägenhet här i Alingsås.
Dock fick vi ingen tur på en fin lägenhet som vi kollade på för någon månad sedan (planlösningen var nice).
Hur som helst ska vi hitta nått detta året för vårt boende är åt helvete dåligt och när det läcker in vatten i
lägenheten från taket på två olika ställen (långt ifrån varandra) så är det något allvarligt fel. Iaf om man
tänker på vilken standard vårt land har på sina lägenheter och det är ju såklart beroende på vem som
äger fastigheten. Jaja inte för djupt på den fronten, lätt att gå “advance mode” på allt när man bloggar.

Men andra målet är det som jag tycker är den jag längtar till mest! Kan ju visa lite kort så får
ni se vad jag pratar om.. Eller ah skriver om rättare sagt!

		Thailand 2012 Visa bildspel HÄMTA ALLA

Det blir ännu en resa till Thailand och vi har som mål att det blir antagligen i Januari 2014 och det blir
2 veckor som det var nu sist. Både jag och Caroline längtar tillbaks och vi hoppas på att detta året
kommer gå fort. Men då tänker ni kanske, hur ska detta gå till då ni sparar pengar till lägenhet och
en utlandsresa på mindre en ett år. Är det verkligen rimliga mål eller är ni tokiga?

Vi har lite utgifter och två inkomster, därmed kan vi spara undan en massa pengar.
Och om man tänker på att lägga undan pengar varje månad så är det målet inte alls långt borta.
För några månader sedan på jobbet fick jag höra “Tur att du inte har barn, för det kostar på en hel del”.
Och det kan jag tänka mig då jag har hört sedan innan, att ett barn kostar i drift ungefär 1 miljon från
födseln till att barnet fyller 18 (kan ha fel men det är vad jag har hört). Gissar på att det handlar om allt
från kläder, mat, grejer barnet vill ha, födelsedags pengar / julklapps presenter osv. Men barn är inte på
världskartan på ett bra tag så som vi har tänkt det. Min reaktion från min mamma var när jag sagt
att ett barn kostar en hel del pengar. Så fick man reaktionen att “men allt handlar ju inte om pengar”
och det vet ju jag med. Fast har man mål/saker man vill göra, så blir det svårare att klara av det om
det behövs pengar (om man inte är rik dvs).

Vi har det bra så som vi har det nu men min sambo vill ha en liten hund senare när man flyttat osv.
Så just nu har vi inget att “passa” om man nu får använda det ordet i detta sammanhanget och det är ju bra.
Jag har alltid velat ha ett barn och önskat i framtiden att det blir en dotter (vet inte varför) men den önskan
kan gärna vänta, för som många föräldrar och vuxna säger: “Se dig omkring i världen och passa på innan
du stadgar dig och skaffar barn”. Och det stämmer nog faktiskt, för annars blir det lite svårare att ta sig
någonstans om man måste planera in allt i minsta detalj.

 

Detta är version 13.2.23 utav mitt liv och jag ska uppdatera om det är mer på hjärtat som jag vill få ut i skriftlig form på nätet.
I min blogg skriver jag vad jag vill utan att behöva få andras åsikter eller synpunkter hur jag borde se/tänka eller göra i mitt liv.
Vill ni ge kritik så  kan ni gärna skriva det i mer vänliga former utav kommentarer, men för min skull behöver ni inte ens kommentera.